Jesus the Heart Chaser

October 29, 2008

House Church

I have been challenged lately with giving aspects of my life to the Lord. This may sound like a daily struggle to most of you, but since the day I accepted Christ into my life I have for the most part coasted through Christianity. I have had my share of valleys, but rarely have I had to literally pray through it. Instead I find myself generally waiting for it to pass, until recently. A situation very close to my heart began to fall apart about a week ago. I am directly involved in this circumstance and therefore had no option of letting it pass. Even if that were an option I would have choose to run after the Lord with everything because I could. I am not sure if that makes sense, but there comes a day when you realize the amazing gift we have of running after God in distress and finding him. Why we don’t utilize that gift daily I don’t know, but this was a day when I could not do anything else. I literally craved the word for the first time I can remember and cried out to my God. He met me there. I found peace, not answers, peace.

This brought me to my first experience of house church. I had never been to a house church before, but a friend consistently sent me emails and invited me. After my indescribable time with the Lord I finally thought why not throw house church in the mix. So I attended. I have seen God do some pretty amazing things in my life and the lives of others through prayer, but the buzz concerning healings on campus has caused me to become skeptical in my faith. I know that God is capable of those things, but I had a huge wall up on my faith to not let it venture down that road. Even with all God was doing in my life to the days prior I went into house church with that attitude, and when I say attitude I mean attitude. I was very honest with the Lord concerning my lack of faith.

House church began with “sharing.” This is when anyone can speak about what God is doing in their lives. One girl began with a story of last week’s house church and how God had used her to heal several of her peers. During her story, I appreciated it, but my wall refused to let me open my heart to it. Needless to say God saw this as a perfect opportunity to break that down. I began to feel nauseous. At first I did not think anything of it. I thought maybe the anxiety over the other situation in my life was taking a toll on my physically, but after pondering that thought there was no reason to feel sick over something I had such a peace about. Why would I be nauseous over that situation when I am no longer stressed or concerned with its outcome? So I moved to evaluating what I ate that day and how I had been feeling prior to this moment. Nothing made sense, why was I sick? The second I ran out of options of explanation it hit me. In many of these testimonies of healing often the individual called to pray felt some form of pain in one area that lead them to pray with someone with that same pain, bringing healing. At this moment I was angry. I began to yell at God through prayer. I told, rather commanded, God to forget it. I was not praying with anyone, or asking anyone to pray for healing over me. “I just don’t have that type of faith,” I said. “If that’s what you think you doing Lord you better think again.” By this time the sickness had gotten worse. I contemplated going to the bathroom, but I knew that if I stood up I would faint or hurl. I had never been to this house church and was not familiar with many faces in the room. This is when anxiety came. I was terrified to throw up right there in the middle of the room. I was sweating now, and more nauseous than I have been in years. Out of desperation I gave in and cried out to God. “Fine Lord, I’ll pray, I’ll get prayed for; I’ll do whatever you want just tell me so this will go away, please!” Again this was silent, but powerful. Instantly I was no longer sick. I heard the voice of God speak to me, “I just wanted to know you could be obedient.” I have never felt the Lord so powerfully or rather physically in my life. I still deal with my lack of faith, but I have realized that whether you have the faith to move mountains or not if God wants to use you He will. He is your source of faith. He simply commands your obedience. Let Him rock your world and He will, your biggest problem will become staying on for the ride.

-Jenni Kozlowski