Scars

I shared this story with FCA a few weeks ago and I was asked to post it to this blog so I hope that it inspires some of you who read this, because God is very capable of blowing our minds; He's certainly done that in my life in recent weeks. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Emily and I am a freshman here at Clemson. A few weeks ago, my small group talked about breaking free from the chains that hold you back from fully experiencing Christ's love and his peace. That night we were all asked to "throw" our chains into a bonfire that we had built. Each girl got up and shared a little bit about her story and why she was giving up what she was giving up. The stories ranged from eating disorders, to bad relationships, to not trusting God; a wide range of things. Then it was my turn and I got up and shared with my small group that I was raped at the beginning of high school. I was a child when it happened. My innocence was stripped, my dignity gone, my confidence diminished, my faith--out the window. I hated God for letting that happen to me. I grew up hearing the common phrase "God loves you", but after that happened I wanted nothing to do with God. In my mind, how could a God that "loves" me let this happen to me? Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually I was completely broken. I walked away with more scars than I could count, both mentally and physcially. In particular, there was a scar on my right wrist that went parallel to my vein and it was about an inch and a half long. It was very noticeable and there were also scars on my hands that you could see. Over the years I lived with having to hide them so people wouldn't look at me and judge me. Several times I have felt people looking at my scars and wondering if I self-injured and I could do nothing to defend myself. I was helpless and afraid. I had so much anger inside of myself that I changed into a completely different person. I didn't trust anyone, I was angry at God, I was embarassed of what happened, I didn't want to have to wake up each day and live with the fact that I would never be who I once was. Each day, waking up to those scars were just daily reminders of how worthless I felt, how embarassed I was, how ugly I was, and how much God didn't love me, or so I thought.

Well, over the past year and a half God has really tugged at my heart as if almost to say "come back to me Emily, come back to me..'' but I wanted no part in it. I've fought God with so much resistance the past three years it's unbelievable. So then, I end up here at Clemson. I had somewhat moved on from what happened to the point where I could handle it with a smile on my face and I could start over somewhat but that deep rooted anger and hurt was still there. I became involved with FCA and joined a small group and that is when God decided to show up. It is almost as if God pushed me forward that night at the bonfire to share my story with eight girls that I didn't really know and vice versa. I voiced my feelings about what happened and how I longed to feel God's love again and to be able to know that He hears my prayers and that he hasn't given up on me. Little things kept happening like that over the next few weeks until finally we end up at the night of FCA. A week before I shared my story with everyone, God showed up in a big way in my life. It was a wednesday night and a couple of girls on my hall, who I love to death, and I were having a conversation about cool things God was doing in our lives and somehow the conversation turned to a passage in Mark 11 that talked about believing what you pray. It was verses 22-24 that really stuck out to me and they say,

"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. 23"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. 24Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

Those verses are what started this whole story. That night in my dorm room I completely broke down. I was so tired of being angry at God and I was ready to let him take all of those feelings from me. I was done with beating around the bush with God when I prayed to him and so I wasn't nice when I prayed to him that night. I told him " God, take these feelings from me. I'm done with living like this, I'm ready to get back up and keep pushing forward and I don't want this on my heart anymore. Take this from me, give me a sign that you're listening to me...' and that was it. The next morning I woke up to find that my scar on my wrist is completely gone......yes.....gone. The ones on my hands are significantly faded as well. That isn't something that science did, that was God showing me he heard me and that he loves me. I thought I had gone crazy because it was so rare, which is why I told no one until sunday night when I went to small group. After seeing their reaction, I shared the story with my close friends here at Clemson and they had the same ecstatic reaction. God healed my heart and he gave me hope for the future and he literally reached into my heart and took away all that was holding me back from him. I shared the story with FCA the following thursday night and I broke down on stage in response to the shouting of joy and applause that I recieved from everyone who was there. Miracles happen. God does them everyday but we are blind to his power. We let wordly things hold us back from him when really we just need to come back to Him. He loves you more than you know, He never deserts you and he would do anything for you. I am living proof that miracles can happen to ordianry people. I know I am not the only girl who has experienced a trauma of this sort and if you are reading this and have gone through something like that, I encourage you to stop fighting against God. He loves you soo much and he wants to heal your heart if you'll only let him. For anyone else who is struggling with believing God or trusting him, just pray to him. Pray and MEAN what you pray. He created you so don't you think he deserves a little more than words with no feeling when you are talking to him? I hope my story has reached some of you and please, please don't give up on God. You owe it to yourself and to Him to stand back up and keep walking towards Him. He never said the road would be easy but he also said that He'd be with us every step of the way. Thanks to all of you for reading this! God Bless you!

Sincerely,
Emily McCanless